I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
