You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
