hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
