I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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