I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
