Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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