So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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