He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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