saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
