I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Someone came in the potted fern
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
