in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my shit smells like andre
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
