Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
