i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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