Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
