My Higher Power is John Stamos
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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