When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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