i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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