im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
