Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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