You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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