I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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