Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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