You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
