I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
