Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
