A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Someone shattered a urinal.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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