Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
