hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
