he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
