Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
