My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
