there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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