I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
