i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
