I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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