If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
