the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
