i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
