The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
