i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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