Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
