sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
