cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
