Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
