Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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