did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
