you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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