it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
