Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
