I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
