Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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