so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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