I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just forgot I was standing up.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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