get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
