Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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