ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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