You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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