Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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