not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
