I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
