how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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