Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
