sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You are a genius and a whore.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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