You were right. It hurts to walk today.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
