i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
